Endoscopy Part I

A few weeks ago, I had an endoscopy. (Pronounced "en-DAHS-kuh-pee, " not "EN-doh-SCOH-pee" like I said on the phone making an appointment. Retard!)

I have been having some acid reflux and they wanted to make sure there wasn't anything more serious going on in my stomach so the doctor decided to have it checked out.

I was half afraid that most of my stomach had been eaten by a massive stomach ulcer due to the anxiety I experience as a result of my not-all-that-terrible-but-I'm-not-coping-very-well job.

Not the case. Everything looked fine. My esophagus, stomach and duodenum. (Pronounced "doo-AH-den-um." That one I knew.) Everything was fine.

But it was an interesting experience none the less.

I was suprised by two things. The first was the efficiency of the place. It wasn't unfriendly. In fact, everyone was extremely nice. But very efficient. Everyone knew what to say and do and when to say and do it. It went sort like this:

Nurse: When did you have your last fluids?
Me: 1:45.
Nurse: Good. Any chance you are pregnant?
Me: No.
Nurse: Had your tubes tied?
Me: No.
Nurse: Husband had a vasectomy?
Me: No.
Nurse: Date of your last period?
Me: Uh...
Nurse: If you have to think, let's just take a test. (Hands me the cup.)
Me: Ok.

I take the cup. I go pee in it. Given the number of UTI's I've had in my life, I'm quite versed in the whole peeing in the cup thing, so I didn't detract from the efficiency of the process.

Nurse takes me to a curtained off area.

Nurse: Here's the gown. Pants and shoes stay on. Bra stays on. Shirt comes off. The gown opens in the back. Call me when you are done.

I change.

Me: Hello?
Nurse: Good. You are done. Lie down on the bed.

I lie. Nurse asks me questions. Nurse tells me I'm not pregnant.

Other nurse sticks her hand down my shirt to attach heart monitor leads to my chest. Other nurse tells me she doesn't like sticking her hand down people's shirts. It feels weird.

I agree.

Anesthesiologist comes in and inserts an IV into my hand. Then he wheels me out.

Me: I'm amazed at the efficiency of this whole thing.

Anesthesiologist: Well, when you do the same thing 20 times a day, you figure out the best routine.

Now I'm in the procedure room.

Doctor: How are you?
Me: Nervous.
Doctor: Why? This is gonna be a great ride!

Maybe so. But I'm still nervous.

They have me roll over on my left side. They stick something in my mouth to keep my mouth open.

Anesthesiologist: Here's the drug that will numb your throat. You might experience a metallic taste in your mouth.

Either he is right or I am highly susceptible to suggestion. I start to experience the metallic taste.

Anesthesiologist: This is the drug to put you under.

I feel burning in my hand. I wonder if that's normal. I stare at the monitor. I think, "I'm still awake. Am I supposed to still be awake? I don't think I'm supposed to still be awake."

Then my eyes cross.

(to be continued.)