Transition

Almost three years ago, my life changed forever. I packed up all my things and said goodbye to friends and family and drove 1500 miles to a new city to marry a man I had met only months before.

It has been the most wonderful and thrilling ride of my life.

It has been the hardest thing I have ever done.

I'm not even sure I can tell you what it was like. It felt like I had lost myself. Everything about me was suddenly called into question. I had to reevaluate everything.

Part of the difficulty was all the things I ended up with, but didn't choose. I chose Jeff. I ended up with Philadelphia. I chose Jeff. I ended up with Circle of Hope. I chose Jeff. I ended up with a community around me that seemed full of aliens, and not the friendly kind either.

And quite honestly, choosing Jeff was hard enough. We think differently about money and debt. About kids. About possessions. About work. About housekeeping. It's been hard to sort that out. And doing it after taking myself out of everything that I had known and that was familiar and placing myself on what seemed like another planet was more than my mind could take.

There were times when I felt completely alone. I remember lying on the floor of my closet and crying out, "I'm dying, I'm dying."

The only way for me to survive was to change. And of course people change. I needed to. And I still had choices about who I was to become. But my options were different and I didn't like it.

I'm saying all this because I think I'm finally done. I've finally transitioned. I have decided who I will be, who I am. It's still a conscious struggle to be affected by my environment, but not defined by it - to be me, but here. I am no longer a Dallas girl living in Philadelphia. Now I am a Philadelphia girl. At least for now.

I don't know how long Jeff and I will stay. I'm not ready to give up entirely on the dream of going back to Texas someday.

But for now, Jeff and I are here. And I'm okay with that.

How firm a foundation, you saints of the Lord,
Is laid for your faith in His excellent Word!
What more can He say than to you He has said—
You, who unto Jesus for refuge have fled?

Fear not, I am with you, O be not dismayed!
For I am your God, and will still give you aid;
I’ll strengthen you, help you, and cause you to stand,
Upheld by My righteous, omnipotent hand.

When through the deep waters I call you to go,
The rivers of woe shall not you overflow;
For I will be with you, your troubles to bless,
And sanctify to you your deepest distress.

When through fiery trials your pathway shall lie,
My grace all sufficient shall be your supply;
The flame shall not hurt you: I only design
Your dross to consume, and your gold to refine.

The soul that on Jesus has leaned for repose
I will not, I will not desert to its foes;
That soul, though all hell should endeavour to shake,
I’ll never, no never, no never forsake.