Motivation

I'm thinking about creating my own motivational posters and hanging them in my house.  Things I want to remind myself of frequently because I so easily forget.

Here are some examples:

• Do new things.
• Life is an emergency.
• What are you afraid of?

Can you think of any?  What would you like to remind yourself of?

Holy $h!t

I few minutes ago, I posted this on Facebook.

Sometimes I forget that, at 32, I am no longer in danger of getting in trouble.

And then I sat there and stared at what I had just written.  32?!  Are you kidding me?

How did I get here?  When did I get here?


I thought I would feel different from this.  I thought I would be different from this.

It's strange to me that age alone dictates adulthood.  I think perhaps we should have to earn it, like take a test or something.  Or like in GAs when I was a kid, where you have to memorize certain Bible verses and do certain activities and maybe sing a song or something to get your next badge.

The only thing I have done to deserve adulthood is that I kept waking up every day and suddenly I was older.  (Notice I said "day" and not "morning" because sometimes it isn't still morning.)

But then I find things like this and this and this, and then I feel a little better, like maybe I'm not the only one.

Note:  I found both of these entries while surfing the internet to avoid doing adult things that are weighing on me.  Strange that the slacking off led to making me feel better.  Justified?  Let's say yes.

The Aughts

I knew that New Year's Day was coming. That it was almost 2010. But I only recently realized that this is the start of a new decade as well (even though technically, it isn't, but who cares?)

So then I had to be like everyone else and look back over the past 10 years, and think about what I was doing 10 years ago and all the things that have happened in the mean time.

It's strange to me how one day can seem so insignificant and even a month can go by and nothing seems different, and then all of a sudden, it's 10 years later and my life has changed. 

Ten years ago, I could never have imagined today.  What am I doing here?  How did I get here?  This isn't what I thought it would be.

Makes me a little leery of the '10s.  What will happen to me then?

I don't know what I'm doing

One of the things I am looking forward to about quitting my job is not being such a complainer. I don't think I am a complainer by nature. I think I am pretty positive and upbeat.

But then I moved here and I was struggling with the transition and I wanted to make more friends, but I realized that all I ever talked about was how miserable I was. Doesn't that make you want to be friends with me?!

So it was sort of a catch-22: I really was having a hard time and what I needed most was to talk about it because it helped me process things. But it was sort of off-putting. Ya know?

Luckily, a lot of that is over with. Believe me, I am way more glad than you are. Haha!

The last big thing was my job. Because, you know, that's what people talk about. When you're trying to make conversation with someone you don't know very well, you ask about their job. And I have had lots of conversations that went something like this:

You: So how's work going?
Me: I don't really like it.
You: What don't you like about it?
Me: It's just not me.
You: What kind of job do you think you want?
Me: That's part of the problem. I don't know. If I knew, I'd go do that instead.
You: What industry do you want to work in?
Me: I don't care what industry.
You: What company do you want to work for?
Me: I don't care about that either. It just depends on what I do there.
You: So what do you want to do?
Me: I don't know.

And you know what? I still don't have a lot of those answers. But it's time to start complaining about it and just start doing something.

And it feels pretty good.

Now conversations go like this:
You: So did you really quit?
Me: Yup! Yay!
You: What are you going to do now?
Me: I don't know! Isn't that great?! Haha!
You: What kind of job are you looking for?
Me: I'm not. I'm not going to work for a little while.
You: That sounds awesome.

Yeah. It does.

I used to never listen to NPR. It wasn't some passive "I just never end up on that station" sort of thing either. I tried to listen. People kept beginning too many stories with "So I was listening to NPR and..." and I wanted to be a part of it!

But it was the voices, the voices! I just couldn't stand to listen to their voices. That quasi midwestern flat but also slightly arrogantly educated and enlightened accent was too much! I couldn't take it.

And now? I don't know what has happened to me. I'm a little sad that Philadelphia has changed me in so many ways. But like I tweeted once, if you live in Philly for an extended period of time you will either be miserable or be changed. I went with the option that involved fewer nights sitting in the closet feeling crazy.

So sometimes I listen to NPR.

Anyway, the other day, they were featuring some folksy singer and the lyrics to one of the songs went something like: I laughed twice as hard as I cried.

I thought, "Wow! What a great way to live your life! I mean, you know, there's tears and stuff, but if in the end, you have laughed twice as hard as you have cried, then I bet that's a pretty good life!"

But then I started thinking about how hard I've cried, and how annoying I can be when I'm in a fanTAStic mood and laughing and being silly, and I thought that just might lead to more tears.

So I'm not sure what I think of this.

Can you tell I'm stewing?

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN, YOUNG LADY?!

You know, around. (eye roll) Whatever.

Oh, wait, I forgot. I’m not 17 anymore.

Boy, howdy, am I not 17 anymore. (sigh)

So even though there hasn’t been much activity here, there’s been lots going on, though mostly in my head. Work has been SUPER stressful for me, and one day last week, I couldn’t leave work because I couldn’t stop crying long enough to leave my office and walk down to the car.

This weekend, I started using a night guard for my teeth, because the clenching was getting really bad, and Monday I had to leave work early because my head had been hurting for almost 24 hours. So I went home (and felt better immediately!) and spent some time talking to Jeff.

And we decided that it’s time. It’s time for me to leave my job, to tell my boss the truth, that this isn’t working out, and I’ll never be the CFO he wants me to be, I’m not CFO material, and that’s okay with me. We spent some time talking about what that would mean for us, since Jeff doesn’t have a job right now either, and how we felt about it. And then we went to therapy and talked about it some more.

We all agreed – it’s time.

So yesterday, I told my boss that I wanted to leave at the end of the year. It was a pretty good talk. I told him that I am too much of a people person to spend my life in a task-oriented job. It felt good to clear the air and be open in ways that I hadn’t been before. And seeing as how he had completely changed careers in his early thirties, he was very understanding. He put it very well: “You can’t blame a hippopotamus for not being a giraffe.” And it feels really good to no longer feel this constant fear of people finding out I’m not a giraffe. I’m not even close. I’m a freaking hippo!

In the end, we ended up pushing my last day back to the end of February, which will actually be good for Jeff and me. We’ll have income and benefits for a few more months, giving us even more time to find jobs. So I think that’ll work.

It’s funny: I’ve never given 4 months notice before. It sure does feel great.

LEAP OF FAITH, HERE I COME! YAHOO!

Not anything, really

If this blog post were my friend, what would I say?

Probably... I would complain.

I would complain about how Autumn ate my strawberry plants today.

I would complain about what that one person said to my husband today that really highlighted one of the things about our church that bug me.

I would complain about being hormonal.

I would complain about how that one friend tried to help, but really just made me uncomfortable.

I would complain about that conversation I had with my husband yesterday that really got me down.

I would complain about not being able to fit into my pants.

I would complain about being a complainer.

I don't want to be a complainer. I want to see and expect good things in my life.

And who wants to read about complaining?

But this is what's real for me today.

Let's hope for better things tomorrow.

Maybe I'll work on a post of better things for tomorrow.

But for now, I'm off to bed. Tomorrow will at least start with a good night's rest.