Why do I do this to myself?

I shouldn't read blogs written by people whose spouses have died.

There are lots of them, you know. And I guess it makes sense. Writing is probably very therapeutic.

But seriously, I shouldn't read them.

A few months ago, a friend told me about this blog. And through that blog, I discovered this blog. And then today, I found this one.

I spent probably 20 minutes at work reading and then I cried all the way home. I started thinking of what sort of blog entry I would write if something were to happen to Jeff and it was terrible. I cried and cried. All the way home.

Then I started feeling guilty for all the ways I'm not always the best spouse. When I'm not understanding enough, or when I'm selfish, or when I don't give him the benefit of the doubt.

It's hard to try to learn how to live with no regrets. And of course that doesn't mean never fighting with him or never asserting myself to get what I want. Those things are often necessary parts of marriage between two broken people.

But I wouldn't want to wish that we have laughed more or that we had made the time to go see that thing we always wanted to see or whatever.

Yeah, so anyway, if you're having too good of a day and you want to feel sad and maybe cry a little, go check out those blogs. And then maybe love your family a little better when you are done.